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Ridgewood, New York, United States

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Payday Meditations I

Today I decided that I must save money in order to supplement the resources to make things happen for myself. I never have a plan and this in itself has been the bane of my existence.

Is this adulthood?

A heightened awareness of the power of money, organization and a planner?

My mother has never been the best planner but she did teach me to save any little bit of cash for a rainy day scenario. These days I wish to travel back home as a first priority and visit my new baby niece, my brother who seems to have returned from the catatonic lands of the east that tend to consume those who play with fire at an early age. My grandparents who sit patiently awaiting my arrival, like royalty waiting for their prodigal princess to return.

The joy, the joy of knowing that there is a group whom you belong to exclusively and forever more. A lineage a heritage a link that is unbreakable. Unbearable is the love for family. Difficult and strange, overbearing and smothering. The fish swims away from this affection, only to swim tirelessly with teary eyes wide and open consuming in an almost frozen gaze. Where is the love that wants to stay? (as my friend Laura Minor sweetly sings) We are beasts ravaging each other, following, hunting, longing, then mourning the loss of our conduits for exstatic pleasure and catalysts for extreme pain.

I take things too hard, he said. Yea, its my style, I whispered. I stare icy in trance, making sure not to waver and look his way. I'm on a tightrope leaning dangerously on false notions of love from the past while finally realizing today that he is simply a hollow. A bloodless vessel with no roots. There never was anymore he could give and in that moment of truthful surrender, I finally felt the faintest pulse of waves. Waves of affection pouring from his hands like honey on my skin engulfing my spirit. Soft and gentle, fragile heartbeats. But it was too late. I was a statue, adored and hated in that moment of affection. I quickly recovered my senses and got up from his couch, walked away from him and did not look back. My eyes did not focus on any one thing except the door. He rushed after me and stopped me, turned me around and asked for a hug and a kiss. Don't take things so hard, he repeated once again.

Click on the word beast below to listen to this beautiful song
Beast by Laura Minor

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